It’s been a strange couple of months, but more the last few weeks have been testing… full of ups and downs, to the point I have been avoiding writing/finishing anything because I can’t make sense of what’s going on in my own life or head enough to be able to get something written down.
A bit over 3 weeks ago I had my body fat % retested and my weigh in, I have this done every 2 weeks to ensure I am on track and to monitor any gains losses and tweaking that may be required. I had lost about 400grams in fat but as for my body fat % while I had lost body fat from some areas certain spots relating to my stress and inflammation sites had gone back up enough to warrant an overall increase. Frustratingly for me, it felt a lot like where I got derailed last time.
A few years ago (not even) I was on track and I was killing it. I was making all my workouts count and my food was on track for the better part of each week. I was seeing changes and I was feeling great. Then I hit the point (when I say point, I am referring to a specific weight where I have struggled to surpass previously). I halted and it took me 2 months and a bout of food poisoning to get past it…. Not ideal. Even though I got past that point and lost a couple more kilos, with it I had also lost my motivation and the drive I had willing me forward. It all became too hard. I was training on my own, with minimal support and found it hard to keep on track when it was only me against myself. I continued to maintain an ok training schedule and my food relatively on track, but gradually more and more things that were going to hinder results crept back into my pantry. It’s so easy to say “oh one little bit won’t hurt” and in some circumstances that’s certainly the case, but how many “little bits” of chocolate/pizza/beer/wine/chips etc. have you had over the last day/week/month that are messing with your results, so much so that you then sit there wondering why things aren’t travelling along as you thought they would, and because you have only had “little bits” and justified it all as being ok at the time of consumption, you don’t even recognise the mistakes or things you could do better. Furthermore how many times did those little indulgences turn into much larger binges?
Anyway I digress, I had spent the two weeks leading up to my check in worrying that I won’t be able to get past this point, that no matter what I did I was doomed to be caught there. Whilst I had a lot of other things frustrating the hell out of me ranging from relationships to business & work worries, almost nothing since I left my job has turned out the way I planned or expected and it has been bloody hard, but for those couple of weeks my biggest worry was that I was fearful of getting stuck again, teetering at that point unable to move past it. I didn’t want my fat loss and motivation to halt, I still had so far to go and it wasn’t enough. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I had pushed past the point I was so afraid off dropping a further 1.8kgs.
This brings me to this last week just past, I entered the new week of training in a much better frame of mind only to be unbelievably challenged by my training which pushed me to some incredibly frustrating points, leaving me feeling fragile and struggling to push past those burning moments of pain and finish a set off cleanly without losing my balance or my mind. However it wasn’t until I was posed with the question of whether I am mentally prepared for when I do reach my goal and being vigilant and conscious of all my fears and disorders so I don’t derail myself later on down the track by falling back into my old mindset or habits, that really got me thinking and questioning what has held / is holding me back right now and how can I overcome it all and in turn, go on to achieve even greater things. I continued to ponder this for the next few days which lead to this….
So here I am 12:30am on Saturday night sitting at my laptop after having an epiphany of sorts. It has become really clear to me I have been tying my success or lack thereof to the fear of the unknown. I have been avoiding breaking free because I am worried about something that may or may not happen, using past events or possibilities in my head as fuel for the failure flames. Instead of focusing on what I want right now and how to get it, I start to “What If” the shit out of stuff in my head and create non-existent boundaries to my own success. I have been kind enough to provide a few of the most common ones (roughly ranked from the most significant too least) that have been plaguing me recently a long with my answers to myself….
What if I lose the fat and can’t keep it off? If that happens I’ve failed and I don’t want to fail… so why am I doing this, why risk failure? Because without taking that risk I will never know what I am truly capable of and who I am truly meant to be. So yes it’s worth the risk, the pain, blood, sweat and tears.
What if I start a business and people don’t want to train with me, because I don’t look like the bikini model training girls in the suburb over from me? I will change my approach, I will find clients, people around me now believe in me and want to train with me so why should it be any different.
What if What if I upset other people or friends because I have the balls to follow my heart and they don’t, is it worth losing people over? Yes it is, if they cannot see past their own insecurities and support me then yes they are not needed in my life.
What if People don’t accept me as I am? Or judge me on face value? So be it, I cannot please everyone and why bother with someone who judges something or someone they know nothing about based on how they look.
What if I lose the fat and decide to have children, and I put on a large amount of weight being pregnant… do I want to risk going through all this again, will I be strong enough to do this again?
Yes I will be strong enough and I will do what needs to be done for the benefit of my child.
At the end of the day I can’t keep living in fear of my hypothetical situations or constantly in fear I am stepping on someone else’s toes (quite often that someone wouldn’t hesitate to do just that to me). I have to be present in the now and prepared to continue to stand up against my own demons till they no longer bother me. If I sit back and allow my fear of the unknown to take over and have control I will be that person at the Christmas dinner in 20 years who had dreams but “you know life took over and it’s too late now”. There is nothing worse than hearing those words from someone, you can see and feel their disappointment, their anguish as they remain vested in an unfulfilled life.
So from here out I am going to do my very best to stay in the now, the present and keep my goals in mind. I will cast away the doubt and work towards embracing the unknown… because honestly as cliché as it may be, anything you put your mind too is truly possible with persistence and passion.
I urge you all to really think about what you want in life whether it be fat loss, more muscle or a different career. Be bold enough to recognise your fears which are holding you back, then push those fears aside and start moving towards that life. Once you stop holding yourself back something amazing just might happen.